Could Embarrassment Be The Key To Happiness?

Here we are, almost one 12^th into 2018… and I can feel it’s going to be a BIG year!

Last year had its challenges, many of them… I retreated, and tried to work out what was going on within. I wished for more strength, and constantly fought with the anxiety demons in my head. It wasn’t a fun year. It involved heaps of panic attacks and I can’t say I enjoyed much of it.

But the most amazing thing happened. My worst fear came true, and it was the best thing that could have happened to me!

Let’s back track to November 11. It’s our wedding anniversary so my husband and I do something we never have before- we ditch the kids and go camping for a couple of nights at Inskip Point! I’m not sure what kind of a weekend I was envisioning but I could never have guessed that it would turn out like this.

Now, I know you’re wondering what I’m going on about… What happened you may ask? To be honest I’m not even sure I can tell you. If I put it in writing I may not be able to post this blog- certainly not on my website… but in a way I feel like this blog isn’t about organic veg (as important as they are!) it’s about sharing my anxiety journey… it’s about being vulnerable and honest, whatever the repercussions and judgments. It’s about showing you that it’s OK to be YOU- whoever that may be… and it’s about helping me heal- however that shows up.

I believe a lot of my anxiety stems from trying to appear stronger than I am. If we are completely open and honest with one another then there is nothing to fear. We need to trust in others and in ourselves. Lately I’ve noticed that straight after I have a panic attack, I feel infinitely better and more comfortable- my anxiety is changing and morphing, and I’m surprised to see how it is progressing. It’s like I need to lose it, to realize that if I lose it, I’ll still be OK. And I feel like it’s all happened because of that weekend in November.

Take your worst fear (however irrational it may be), and experience it. Survive it and in the end, laugh harder than you ever have. I faced my monster and came out on top!

I’m still not sure I want to tell you what happened. All I’ll say is that my body malfunctioned in the worst possible way…in that mortifying, please let me die RIGHT NOW, kind of way (OK I’ll give you a clue, it involved a fart that wasn’t- yes, its OK to laugh, I don’t mind!). 

And the moment it happened I knew I had a choice (despite being in absolute shock). I could swear my husband to never-ending secrecy whilst living in fear of it happening again- letting it break me down even more, OR I could rise above it. 

So I chose to laugh! And I chose not to hide. So after spending our entire 'romantic' weekend laughing with my husband, I came home and shared my embarrassing story with one of my closest friends, and we laughed so hard we cried. Then I told another friend and another… and each time we laughed, and with each person I told my inner self let go of the need to be perfect, and it felt SO GOOD! Sure it took courage and a few drinks at first, but look at me now- telling the world! (and yes I am sober!)

You might think I’m crazy for writing this blog, but you know what, I am so proud of myself! I’m refusing to let this embarrassing moment create more fear inside of me, instead I want to laugh and enjoy it…I’ve finally realized that those embarrassing moments can be the best things to experience if we want to move forward!

It’s funny because since I embraced my moment of ‘body malfunction’, I have since had more embarrassing moments…. The last one involved my pretty little summer dress flying up in the middle of a busy car park, whilst I was holding 10 litres of water in one hand and 3 heavy grocery bags in the other (the look on the face of the lady driving past at the time is one imprinted in my memory forever). 

I’m starting to enjoy those little moments of crazy, Universal dysfunction when it all goes wrong. Because you know what- each time it happens, I realize I’m still OK!

POST SCRIPT: For the record, not only did this event help me move on from a place of mortifying anxiety, but I also realized a few things- First that I should not drink beer and wine as they upset my gut way too much. So instead I have permanently swapped over to drinking Vodkomz* (it’s the new official name for Vodka, Kombucha, Soda water & Lime- *yes it’s copyright). Not only have I not had a hangover since that day (yes, this drink is THAT AMAZING!), but I have also lost my naughty beer gut… so you see, there is always an upside to poo-ing yourself!